iz4u

CREDIT CRUNCH ....

2008-10-28T23:08:00.000-07:00

I went to the ATM this morning and it said "insufficient funds".
............ I'm wondering is it them or me.

You know it's a credit crunch when...........

1. The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
2. There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.
3. The IRS is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
4. UK Prime minister Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and
started sucking his thumb.
5. Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than US
dollars.

Q: What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between Investment Bankers and Pigeons?
A: The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's.

Q: What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
A: They both have frozen assets.

JOKE - Blind man and 4nuns

2008-10-26T02:54:00.000-07:00

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church.

After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.

An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.

"Who is it?" they called out.

"I'm the blind man," came the reply.

The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them.
They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.
They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

........ "Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

LOL .... from a friend.....

JOKE - Have a drink on the BLUE BULLS Rugby Team!

2008-10-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please."

Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Formula One racing and the latest cricket scores.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... 'bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u a B-L-U-E B-U-L-L s-u-p-p-o-r-t-e-r-?"

LOL ... from a friend ....

JOKE - Koos and the Queen ...

2008-10-23T01:49:00.000-07:00

Koos Van der Merwe is invited to have lunch with the Queen.

While sitting at her table he says to her: "Jislaaik, ... you know Queen you have got such a nice house, and you know Queen your clothes are so nice and you know Queen your food is so lekker!"

The Queen gets hacked off with this entire "Queen" bit and says to Van: "Mr. Van der Merwe, you should not be calling me Queen all the time. My correct title is "Your Highness".

Koos: "Jislaaik, ... that is a coincidence, my brother's name is also Johannes.

LOL .... from a friend ....

QUICK TIP - Oily fish to make you a “social-chatting-king”!

2008-10-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

Did you know that Omega-3 fatty acids helps brain cells communicate messages properly? Fat is fundamental for your brain to function properly.

Thus, before you go running out for chips, hamburgers and hotdogs before your party rather get some food that can boost your brain to be more “clued up” during conversations.

A nice, oily portion of fish like mackerel and salmon will do the “trick” and could have you feeling more alert and confident.

How Far ....... ?

2008-10-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

How far can you trust a friend .......?

Mike left to go help in the Crusades and decided that his wife should wear a chastity belt (Steel underwear).

So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend, Frank.
Mike, "If I'm not back in two years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, Mike leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees Frank.

"What's wrong?" He asks.

Sipho replies. "You gave me the wrong key!"

10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN PREFER DOGS AS A COMPANION ............

2008-10-16T05:51:00.000-07:00

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another name.

3. Dogs love it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

5. A dog's parents never visit.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

10. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

LOL ..... from a friend ......

Pastor's business card ....

2008-10-14T05:53:00.000-07:00

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He then took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was , "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

LOL .......

Financial advise for the hard times ...

2008-10-11T01:49:00.000-07:00

Good advise from a friend of mine ........

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.

With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.

With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer/soft drinks (in cans)one year ago, had drunk all of the beer/soft drinks, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

LOL........

College Entrance Exam

2008-09-25T04:26:00.000-07:00

Some questions for an A-Level entry exam at a college.

A-LEVEL QUESTIONS .....
Rules: #Each Question is 25 points. #You have one minute to complete the questions. #You must be correct with two of the three questions to proceed.

1. Continue this sequence in a logical way:

M T W T _ _ _

2. Correct this formula with a single "line-stroke":

5 + 5 + 5 = 550

3. Please write anything on the line below:

------------------------------------------------

##########################

THE ANSWERS:

1. M T W T F S S

(Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday)

2. 5 4 5 + 5 = 550

3. anything

TyPiCaL wOrK wEeK

2008-09-23T03:52:00.000-07:00

From a friend of mine . . .

JOB APPLICATION

2008-09-21T03:25:00.000-07:00

An actual job application of a person - recieved from a friend of mine.
They actually hired him because of his creativity .........

NAME: Kenneth Wayche (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy sexy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

NS. ***Old People Rock! ***

“BRAAING”-MEAT WITH MARINADE

2008-09-19T04:16:00.000-07:00

#Marinade with a low sugar content: You can baste the meat throughout the braaing with the marinade.

#If sugar content is high: Baste in the last quarter of braaing time, as high sugar content causes charring and the drying out the meat.

A good night’s sleep ........

2008-09-17T04:14:00.000-07:00

#Switching off :
Relaxing at the end of a busy day is essential. Take a nice warm bath - try essential oils like mandarin, vanilla or lavender; they are proven to have a relaxing effect on your mind and senses.

#Consider what you eat :
Some food and drinks like fatty foods, sugary foods and coffee can lead to sleeplessness. Foods and drinks like figs, bananas, tuna, yoghurt and milk are believed to encourage a good night’s sleep.

QUICK TIP – KEEP YOUR DRAINS CLEAN

2008-09-15T04:12:00.000-07:00

Clean your drains at least ones a month with a mixture of one teaspoon of chlorine bleach added to 4 cups of water – mix well and wash it down your sink.

Men Do Remember Anniversaries!

2008-09-07T03:22:00.000-07:00

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown, goes downstairs and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember!" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

He continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have been released today."

.... from a friend of mine ....

Spelling is very important in life!

2008-09-05T03:22:00.002-07:00

Jhon's wife collapses and phones for an ambulance.

"Address please" they asked.

"4 Eucalyptus Street" Jhon replied.

"Spell it please"

..long long silence....

"Eishhhhhh, if I drag her to Oak street can u pick her up there?"

Catching A Sunset

2008-09-01T22:57:00.000-07:00

Got this pictures form a fiend of mine by e-mail.

Never argue with a woman!!

2008-08-27T18:12:00.000-07:00

Never Argue with a Woman .........

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman.
from a friend of mine....

HOW TO CLEAN DISCOLOURED ALUMINIUM PANS

2008-08-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

# first you need to get rid of grease and stains by cleaning the pan with lemon juice

# next … boil some apple peels in the pans for a few minutes to get them looking like new.

K53 – LEARNERS TEST – SOUTH-AFRICA

2008-08-25T01:42:00.000-07:00

Interesting in getting online info and questions for your first k53-test???
I come across an interesting site that can help preparing you online for you k53-test ; they even keep record of your answers.

SA Learners Test offers you:
# FREE practice to help you pass first time
# Instant access to questions
# supports different languages

Registering is free, easy and give you access to “k53-test-questions” , “road-sign-questions” , "forum-discussions" and much more

5-finger prayer

2008-08-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

.......... it is surely worth making the 5 finger prayer a part of our lives.

1. Your thumb is nearest you. So begin your prayers by praying for those closest to you. They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as C.S. Lewis once said, a "sweet duty."

2. The next finger is the pointing finger. Pray for those who teach, instruct and heal. This includes teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support and wisdom in pointing others in the right direction. Keep them in your prayers.

3. The tallest finger. It reminds us of our leaders. Pray for the president, leaders in business and industry, and administrators. These people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They need God's guidance.

4. The ring finger. Surprising to many is the fact that this is our weakest finger, as any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.

5. And lastly comes our little finger - the smallest finger of all which is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible says, "The least shall be the greatest among you." Your pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. By the time you have prayed for the other four groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be able to pray for yourself more effectively.

HOW TO REMOVE LIME-SCALE IN KETTLES

2008-08-21T00:29:00.000-07:00

Fill one third of the kettle with brown vinegar and the rest with water ; leave to stand for 20 to 30 minutes ; rinse well (make sure to rinse it a few times and that you do it properly)

Your Name in Japanese!

2008-08-19T02:01:00.001-07:00

A - ka
B - tu
C - mi
D - te
E - ku
F - lu
G - ji
H - ri
I - ki
J - zu
K - me
L - ta
M - rin
N - to
O -mo
P - no
Q - ke
R - shi
S - ari
T -chi
U - do
V - ru
W -mei
X - na
Y - fu
Z - zi

Your name in Japanese (refer to table).
Example: Sam = Arikarin

CLEANING BURNT PANS

2008-08-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

Tips to get your burnt pan clean without having to scrub!

# use a peeled potato to get rid of the most burnt bits and pieces ....

# cover the area with equal quantities of vinegar and water, boil it for a few minutes and leave to soak overnight, or …..

# cover the area with a mixture of water and a little fabric softener and leave to soak overnight.

Christ's life!

2008-08-09T03:29:00.000-07:00

Got this picture from a friend of mine.
Look at the lines the artist used to draw this picture of Christ ........ it is of scenes from Christ's life.
This is great - the longer you look a the picture the more you`ll see!

YOUNGER LOOKING SKIN

2008-08-06T23:52:00.001-07:00

4 secrets to get your skin to look younger within a few days.

# FATS – Eat fats that are good for your skin and body. Salmon, seeds and nuts contains essential fatty acids that “burn-away” bad fats in your body. These essential fatty acids also help keep your skin supple and soft.

# BETA-CAROTENE – Vitamin A is crucial to healthy skin – yet it is reported to be toxic above the RDA when taking Vitamin A pills. Our bodies however convert carotene into Vitamin A your skin needs to be healthy.

# SHOWER-SCRUB – Mix a little baby/olive oil with coffee grounds. Use this as a scrub in the shower to zip that cellulite.

# COFFEE – Cut down on coffee. Stress hormones in our bodies are triggered by coffee. High levels of these hormones can thin the skin and increase body fat.

5-Minute Management Course

2008-08-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you R500 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her R500 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the R500 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
BullS@&*!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh#$%!ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh#$%!t is your friend.

This ends the 5-minute management course....

......from a friend of mine ......

QUICK TIP – NEW TAKKIES

2008-08-02T04:10:00.000-07:00

Before wearing your new takkies, spray them with starch.
They will stay white much longer and will be easier to clean.

QUICK TIP – CIGARETTE BURNS ON A CARPET

2008-08-01T04:08:00.000-07:00

Use a razor to trim the burnt area and blackened edges on the carpet.
Cut a few “replacement-strands” from where the carpet meets the wall.
Fill the cleaned area with glue and put the replacement-strands onto it – leave to dry.

ID

2008-07-29T02:02:00.000-07:00

Got this e-mail from a friend of mine......

URGENT
Did you know that your drivers' licence is on the Internet for all to see?
This is not good for security. Any fraudster can get your ID and do all sorts of things with it. To avoid this, you need to go to the website and delete your personal details including your picture.
The website to visit is actually on a US site but contains drivers' licenses from all over the world.

If you are interested, follow these four simple steps:
Go to http://www.license.shorturl.com/
Put in your name and surname; Ignore the state and city section.
Press "search".
Then, when it comes up, press "delete".

JOKE - I am ...

2008-07-27T02:43:00.000-07:00

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MIKE: I is....(and the theacher interrupt)

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MIKE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

Interesting Questions

2008-07-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

Can you figure these 4 questions out?

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. She then holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?

........... and the answers ...........

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.

3. Charcoal

4. Sure you can. Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

... form a friend...

QUICK TIP - HOW TO GET YOUR GLASSWARE CRYSTAL CLEAR

2008-07-22T23:44:00.000-07:00

Add a little vinegar and a handful of salt to your dishwasher when cleaning your glasses – the glasses will be crystal clear.

JOKE - Important things

2008-07-20T02:40:00.000-07:00

TEACHER: Jhonny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

JHONNY: Me!

JUDGING PEOPLE

2008-07-17T03:49:00.000-07:00

WHEN YOU'RE BUSY JUDGING PEOPLE, .......................

........................YOU HAVE NO TIME TO LOVE THEM.

Letter to "BEST-CLOTHING" From Sipho

2008-07-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

Next time you get a letter to pay your debts from your creditors, be sure to remember Sipho's letter.

LETTER TO "BEST-CLOTHING"

Dear Sir/Madam

I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 1 May in which for the third time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you.

I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to reimburse you as soon as possible.

However, I bring to your attention that I have many more creditors, quite as honourable as you, and whom I wish to reimburse too.

That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly whom I hasten to refund immediately.

I hope that yours will come out shortly.

Sincerely Yours;
Sipho

PS: I have great regret in informing you that given the unceremonious tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws.

--------------------

... from a friend of mine ...

SAVING A FRIENDSHIP AND MARRAIGE

2008-07-13T02:45:00.000-07:00

I got this story from a friend.

...... for those who think of ending a friendship/marriages.

MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you.

She sat down and ate quietly.

Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question and this made her very angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me!

That night, we didn't talk to each other.

I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy.

Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

........So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, shouting “daddy is holding mummy in his arms”. His words brought me a sense of pain.
From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; “don't tell our son about the divorce”. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by.

Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

One morning she was choosing what to wear. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger.
I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute.

I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arm I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ”

I drove to Dew... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said.
I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that I still love her and since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, “I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart!”

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah or (now this is very important) ... other people speaking negative about your partner,friend or relation. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So .... be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage or friendship!!!

JOKE - Spelling

2008-07-12T02:38:00.000-07:00

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: That is totally wrong! What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

QUICK TIP - PET HAIR

2008-07-08T03:47:00.000-07:00

# PET HAIR – remove unwanted cat/dog hair from your fabric ; use a wet rubber dishwashing glove and wipe the area ; the hair will stick to the glove.

JOKE - Finding South America

2008-07-06T02:35:00.000-07:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find South America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

QUICK TIP – PRICE TAGS

2008-07-04T03:44:00.000-07:00

# PRICE TAGS – remove price tags from an article by placing some pure alcohol onto the tag leaving it for a few seconds ; make use of a cotton but – the alcohol will dissolve the glue and the tag can be removed with ease.

JOKE - Garden Preparing

2008-07-01T02:28:00.000-07:00

An old man lived alone in Cape Town.

He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, William , who used to help him, was in Polsmoor Prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. "Dear William , I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like Iwon't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Papa"

A few days later he received a letter from his son. "Dear Papa, For heaven's sake, Papa, don't dig up that garden,that's where I Buried the BODIES. Love, William"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, the Scorpion Unit, NIA agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son. "Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love William ."

... from one of my friends...

BAD SMELLS

2008-06-30T02:21:00.000-07:00

Ever came across a situation where something smells foul somewhere in your cupboards, but you can’t find the source?

Try this next time – it is cheep and work most of the time - leave a few pages of a newspaper in the cupboards for a day or two ; the papers tend to absorb the smell.

Pregnant Lady

2008-06-24T03:41:00.000-07:00

THIS IS AN ACTUAL COURT DOCKET ; CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus and noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, " Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.

" CASE DISMISSED !!"

..... from one of my friends

HOW TO BE HAPPIER – STOP SABOTAGING YOURSELF

2008-06-18T00:34:00.000-07:00

Follow these simple “rules” – sometimes it can be easier said than done, but stick to them, stop sabotaging yourself and be happier.

# LET YOUR WORDS BE ENCOURAGING
- think and speak positive
- praise yourself as well as those around you
- eliminate gossiping and self-criticism

# DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
- your actions (what you do and say) is lead by assumptions
- these actions can do a lot of harm to you and those around you – and what if your assumption is wrong?
- do not make any assumptions as these can lead to negative and wrong actions

# DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
- other people’s actions is most of the time build on their own “assumptions” – thus their actions towards you has got nothing to do with you
- it is something that is happening to them based on their own believes/problems/views

NS. – don’t take anything personally and/or make assumptions, let your thoughts and words be positive and do everything you do, the best you can - you own it to yourself !!

9 Great Jokes .....

2008-06-11T05:20:00.000-07:00

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

Son:"Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor "

..some greate jokes from a friend.

HOW IT FEELS LIKE ...........

2008-06-03T04:29:00.000-07:00

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him...........
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

OH SO FUNNY!!!

2008-06-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
********************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
An immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the guy replied, 'I know the person.'
********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.
********************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
*******************************************
great jokes from one of my friends

ROSES

2008-06-01T01:38:00.000-07:00

Roses are one of the most popular flowers to give to a person. Depending on the colour(s) you give to a person, you can actually convey a certain message to such a person.

February is considered to be the month of love when roses are a very popular gift – yet you can use roses as a gift all year round to convey your message to a person. Use this guide next time you want to "say" something to a person by giving a rose.

# RED – a symbol of love and passion

# DEEP PINK – a symbol of appreciation and thanks

# LIGHT PINK – a symbol of fun and happiness

# PALE PINK – a symbol of grace and gentleness

# WHITE – a symbol of truth and innocence

# YELLOW – a symbol of friendship, congratulations and freedom

# CORAL – a symbol of passion and desire

# LILAC – a symbol of "love at first site"

# PEACH – a symbol of appreciation and sympathy

KITCHEN “Run-Outs” .....

2008-05-28T23:34:00.000-07:00

# If you run short of an egg when backing a cake that uses a raising agent (like self-raising flour or baking powder), “replace” the missing egg with one tablespoon of vinegar.

# If you need some sour milk/cream, just add some white vinegar to fresh milk/cream at let it stand at room temperature for about 30min. Add a tablespoon of vinegar to each cup of milk/cream.

# Need some tomato sauce? Use a packet of tomato soup and add only half of the water needed to prepare it.

# Breadcrumbs? Replace with crushed cornflakes.

TO UNDERSTAND ........

2008-05-25T02:08:00.000-07:00

A farmer had 4 puppies he needed to sell.

He painted a signadvertising the 4 pups, and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls.

He looked down into the eyes of little boy. 'Mister,' he said, 'I want to buy one of your puppies.'

'Well,' said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, 'These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.'

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

'I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?'

'Sure,' said the farmer, and with that he let out a whistle. 'Here, Dolly!' he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....

'I want that one,' the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, 'Son, you don't want that puppy.
He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.'

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, 'You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and that puppy will need someone who understands.'

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.

'How much?' asked the little boy. 'No charge, 'answered the farmer, 'There's no charge for love.'

A friend of mine sent me this story :
"The world is full of people who need someone who understands."

CROC SHOES

2008-05-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

A blonde was on vacation and desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes. She was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, you just go and give it a try"!

She headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day the shopkeeper pulls over to the side of the river-bank, as he was driving home. He spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 5 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.......

"S#%T, S#%T, S#%T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!

.... a great one I recieved from a friend.

THE LAWS OF LIFE

2008-05-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

got this from a friend of mine - great!

Law of Mechanical Repair.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop.
Any tool, when dropped, will roll or slide to the least accessible location.

Law of Probability.
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone.
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law.
If you change lines (traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath.
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result.
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach and scratch it.

Law of the Theater.
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle will arrive last.

Law of Coffee.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers.
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets.
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Wilson 's Law.
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)

Doctors' Law.
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to see a doctor, and by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll remain sick

ZIMBABWE

2008-05-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

An article from one of my blogging friends!

This story is a plea for awareness and action on behalf of the people of Zimbabwe in conjunction with Amnesty International.

PICS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

2008-05-15T00:44:00.000-07:00

Some pictures I recieved from a friend that is worth a thousand words.

MAPS AND DIRECTIONS.

2008-05-14T05:01:00.000-07:00

Map books are surely a thing of the past, however sometimes you might need one to travel from point A to B, or maybe you need it for a project. Get instant directions/maps at www.brabys.com

Need directions during the Soccer World-Cup 2010 in South Africa? Try the YellowPages.

ESSENTIAL HERBS TO PLANT IN YOUR GARDEN.

2008-05-10T01:11:00.001-07:00

If you would love to have a herb-garden but do not know what to plant, then here are five herbs to start with. They are easy to grow - just ensure that they get 5 to 6 hours of sunshine during the day.

# ROSEMARY - good to use with read meat, especially lamb.

# THYME - good to use with white meat, especially poultry and fish.

# SAGE - good to use as a stuffing-ingredient, especially with duck and pork.

# OREGANO - great to use as a salad dressing and with pasta sauces.

# CHIVES - great to use in salads, in sauces and with vegetables.

KEEP POTATOES FRESH FOR LONGER

2008-05-09T01:17:00.000-07:00

Prevent potatoes from sprouting and wrinkling – put an apple or 2 in the bag with them.

Another potato hint……….

Is the soup you made to salty? Add some freshly grated potatoes to it.

HOUSE FOR SALE

2008-05-05T00:11:00.000-07:00

Got this form a friend of mine. You Have Got To See This - it`s great. Take a look. It will make your day.

Click HERE to see the house that`s for sale.

This house is awesome. (if you click scroll bar once, it will auto scroll)

Turn your SPEAKERS ON. The music is a real toe-tapper!

WHAT TO DO WITH JUICE IN TINS OF FRUIT

2008-05-01T05:11:00.000-07:00

Do not through away the juice when you open a tin of fruit. Make your own delicious juice by adding some soda water (not to much) to it - great to serve during a meal. This you can do using your own freshly made juice as well.
Another juicy handy hint to remember: To prevent freshly home made fruit juice turning brown after a while, add some lemon juice or orange juice.

FINANCIAL CALCULATORS

2008-04-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

Do you want to sort out your finances but need some help?

Try these financial calculators at WheatWorks - you will find financial help from selling to buying a house ; even calculators that help you with your loan spread and cash flow analysis.

The software is "free to try" - thus you can use it a few times and buy it later if you are interested - for me this is fine; I do not buy and sell a house everyday or even make a lone everyday!

REPEL MOSQUITOES

2008-04-25T01:40:00.000-07:00

Going away to an area where there are likely to be mosquitoes?

Make your own mosquito-repellent to apply onto the skin.
Use almond oil as a base and dilute citronella or lavender oil in it.

It is said that Thiamine (vitamin B) produces an odour that is not detected by humans, yet mosquitoes can detect it and they apparently hate this “smell” – take Thiamine 2 or 3 weeks before you go away. Remember to consult with your doctor on much Thiamine you can take per day!

WHENEVER IN A CRISIS ......

2008-04-21T00:23:00.000-07:00

................ be aware of the danger,
.......... yet recognise the opportunity!

WEIRD PICTURE

2008-04-16T01:01:00.000-07:00

Got this from a friend.
Take a look at the picture . It is not animated.
Your eyes are making it move. (if you do not see the circles move, click on the pickture to enlarge it - it is weird)
To test this, stare at one spot for a couple seconds and everything will stop moving. Or look at the black center of each circle and it will
stop moving. But move your eyes to the next black center and the
previous will move after you take your eyes away from it...Weird ?

PROTECTING YOUR IDENTITY

2008-04-13T23:42:00.000-07:00

There are an increasing number of internet-methods that criminals use to get hold of your personal information, especially that of your banking account(s). Be aware of these most common ones.

The main methods how people steal your identity:

# SPOOFING = a fake website that has the “same looking” address or URL.
# PHISHING = when criminals send you an e-mail to submit your personal details and/or confidential information or even direct you to a site to submit your details/information
# KEY-LOGGING = a program used by criminals to record your “keystrokes” when you type in your password or user ID.

What you can do not to fall “prey” to these methods:

# SPOOFING-LINKS – never access a website, especially banking sites, through a link from another site or in an e-mail.
# E-Mails – never respond to any e-mail asking you personal information; they can even threaten to close your account if you do not provide them with the info. Rather make contact with the real company and ask them if they know about these e-mails.
# KEY-LOGGING – never use internet cafes to log into personal accounts, especially banking accounts.
# PASSWORDS – never use easy words or numbers to create a password. If you want to create a password that thieves won’t be able to guess try PCTools.

VINEGAR HINTS

2008-04-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

# Ever been in the situation when you want to use shoe polish but you realize that it has hardened? Add a few drops of vinegar to it, mix well and your polish becomes useable again.

# Thin Brasso (a product to clean copper) that has started to thicken by adding a few drops of vinegar and shake well before use.

FREE RECIPES

2008-04-05T04:55:00.000-07:00

Need to prepare a dish, but you do not know how?

I-Chef and FreeGourmetRecieps are two very interesting sites I came across. There`s thousands and thousands of free recipes to choose from - what ever your taste.

no speakah de english

2008-04-03T12:03:00.000-07:00

A bus stops and 2 men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Em come-a first. Then I come. Then two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again, once-a-more. I come again and pee twice after that. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this
country. We don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell '
Mississippi '."

50 bucks you're gonna read this again!

A Taxi Driver & a Priest... sometimes! !!

2008-03-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

A great joke one of my friends send me.

A Sout African Local Pastor dies and is waiting in line at heaven`s gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who`s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

The gatekeeper addresses him; "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I`m Sipho Alberts, Taxi driver from South Africa"

The gatekeeper consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver; "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven"

Now it`s the Pastor`s turn.
He stands erect and booms out; "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years."

The gatekeeper consults his list and says to the minister; "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," explains the gatekeeper. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

KKNK 2008 Photos

2008-03-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

Some pictures of my visit at the KKNK 2008!

@PRISON AND @WORK

2008-03-25T00:14:00.000-07:00

To make things a little clearer - a friend gave me this comparison of two commonly known environments.

@WORK you spend most of your time in a 5X6 room
@PRISON you spend most of your time in a 9X10 room

@WORK you get a one-time meal break and need to pay for it
@PRISON you receive three meals daily which is paid for

@WORK your good behaviour is rewarded with more work
@PRISON your good behaviour is rewarded with time off

@WORK you are responsible for security of your workplace and need to lock and unlock doors
@PRISON you have guards that are responsible for this

@WORK you are not allowed to waste time on playing games or watching TV
@PRISON this is what you do most of the time

@WORK your boss complain when you get to many visits from your friends and/or family
@PRISON these visits are allowed

@WORK you work to pay all your expenses, taxes ect.
@PRISON with no work all expenses are paid by taxpayers

@WORK you spend most of your time to get home to be secure inside "bars"
@PRISON you spend most of your time inside bars waiting to get out

Why Parents Drink

2008-03-22T01:44:00.000-07:00

To all my friends with Children - ever thought why parents drink?

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ! "Hello"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes" whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered "No"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes"

"May I talk with her?"

A gain the small voice whispered, "No"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter"

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME"

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS!

2008-03-20T01:26:00.000-07:00

Got this picture in an e-mail from a friend.
Read the instruction at the bottom of the image; it is amazing!

SOCCER WORLD-CUP 2010 MONEY

2008-03-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

>>>> from a friend.

THE BEST

2008-03-18T00:12:00.000-07:00

SOME OF THE BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2007:

# Crack Found on Governor`s Daughter:
(Imagine that!)

# Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says:
(No!, really?)

# Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers:
(Now that`s taking things a bit far!)

# Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over:
(What a guy!)

# Miners Refuse to Work after Death:
(No-good-for-nothing; lazy so-and-so!)

# Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant:
(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

# War Dims Hope for Peace:
(I can see where it might have that effect!)

# If Strike Isn`t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile:
(You think?)

# Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures:
(Who would have thought!)

# Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide:
(They may be on to something!)

# Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges:
(You mean there`s something stronger than duct tape?)

# Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge:
(He probably IS the battery charge!)

# New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group:
(Weren`t they fat enough?!)

# Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft:
(That`s what he gets for eating those beans!)

# Kids Make Nutritious Snacks:
(Taste like chicken?)

# Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half:
(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

# Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors:
(Boy, are they tall!)

............ And the winner ..........

# Typhoon Rips ThroughCemetery; Hundreds Dead:
(What?)

THE GAMBLER

2008-03-17T03:06:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently published a joke :

- A Professional Gambler -

I think it is great, go on and read it!

Who's your best friend?

2008-03-15T00:04:00.001-07:00

Ever thought who's your best friend?

.............. think about this.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

FREE BACKLINKS !

2008-03-13T02:54:00.000-07:00

This one Rocks!!!!
Get free unlimited backlinks to your site with Qassia.

Hi! Welcome to Qassia, the most amazing resource ever. Wanna join Qassia? All you need to do is click on "Sign Up". It is in BETA and you can only sing up through a referral.

You will get a “HomePage” from where people can sign up – and you do not even need to place any backlink back to Qassia – you can however place a backlink to “yourpage.qassia.com” for people to join Qassia sins a person can only join through a referral.

Qassia is fantastic because you get credit for sharing “intel” – information that you share for example great places you visited, great people you met, great companies or maybe knowledge about a plant, animal or device. The “intel” need not to be what your blog or site is about and can be anything – this is great as it will earn you credits. The more credit you earn, the better your websites will rank. And you get a backlink to your website for every intel you add - only Qassia gives you unlimited quality backlinks.

Last but not least, Qassia also has the best ad revenue sharing system on the Internet, so in effect you get paid for promoting your websites. Qassia rocks!

The more people join Qassia, the more everyone will benefit, so give Qassia a spin. Signing up takes less than a minute, so you've got nothing to lose. See ya around!

BORED?

2008-03-12T06:36:00.000-07:00

Ever being bored? Want to discover step-by-step instructions on how to make thousands of things? Instructables is the place to go – this is really a great site I stumbled upon.

YOUR ALL-IN-ONE-GUIDE FOR FREEZING FOOD

2008-03-10T09:11:00.000-07:00

Did you ever thought how long you can keep leftovers or fresh food in you freezer?
Here is a handy guide to help you! Just remember to add the date to the articles you put into your freezer.

Cooked Foods:
# Up to 2 months - Lunch Meats and Pizza
# Up to 3 months - Beef, Soups, Stews, Gravy, Casseroles, Bread and Cakes
# Up to 4 months - Chicken
# Up to 5 months - Fish

Raw Foods:
# Up to 1 month - Bacon and Sausages (beef, pork, chicken and turkey)
# Up to 3 months - Ice-cream and Fatty Fish (salmon, tuna)
# Up to 4 months - Mince Meat and Small Wild Animals like Rabbit
# Up to 6 months - Pork Chops, Veal (meat of a calf), Lean Fish, Chicken, Mushrooms and Cheese
# Up to 8 months - Lamb/Sheep, Vegetables
# Up to 10 months - Fruit
# Up to 12 months - Steaks/Oxen

Print this page, past it on the inside of your freezer`s door and be up-to-date on what is stored inside.
Why Fish Is Important For Your Diet?

2 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO.

2008-03-06T23:31:00.000-08:00

Got this from a friend - I think it is great to know.

First - Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car lock and un-lock with a remote? This may come in handy
someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).

Second - Hidden Battery Power

Were your mobile battery is very low in an emergency. To activate "reserve hidden power", press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.

QUICK LINKS 2 HANDY HINTS

2008-03-02T01:15:00.000-08:00

Here`s a few links to some of my previous posts on handy hints.
- see them all here >>

or look at some I have selected 4u ....

Prepare Your Stew With Wine Corks
How To Save Your Burnt Rice
Uses for Coca-Cola
Wedding Hints and Tips
Select The Best Wine For Your Dish
Secrets For Eating Out At a Restaurant
Buying Dimonds
Oyster Toppings
Choose The Correct Underware
Why Fish Is Important For Your Diet
Hangover Tips
Honey Secrets
Kitchen Hints
Common Ailment Treatment
Handy Baby Hints
In & Around The House 1
In & Around The House 2
How to Score Wine

FACE THIS!

2008-03-02T00:39:00.000-08:00

One of my friends gave this picture to me and said that I should follow the instructions:

1. Concentrate on the four dots in the middle of the picture for about 40 seconds.

2. Close your eyes and tilt your head slightly back.

3. Keep your eyes closed and concentrate - you will start to see a circle - continue looking to the circle - something will appear in the circle - WHAT DO YOU SEE?

Note - if it does not work the first time, try it again - I looked at he picture four times to be able to see what is inside the circle.

AMAZING - HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

2008-02-28T23:41:00.001-08:00

Sorry but I can not take this any more -
........it is just mind-boggling........

How smart is Your Right Foot?

Just try this ...... will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can not. It`s preprogrammed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are - at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.

Did your foot change direction? Thought so!!! And there is nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again,.... that is if you`ve not already done so.
Send this to your buddies to try as well - they will be amazed

FREE DOMAIN NAME

2008-02-23T02:13:00.000-08:00

How easy is it to change a looooooooong domain name to a short one?

If you type the following into your browser`s address bar "http://www.iz4u.blogspot.com" you will get to this site - now if you type "iz4u.tk" and enter/go you will also get to this site yet the name is a lot shorter for your friends to remember. The first one will not be replaced by "iz4u.tk" - this is just a "new name" to "mask/hide" the long one - the long one still work but "http://iz4u.tk" will be displayed in the address bar.

There are other free domain names servers as well but Dot TK give you the option of displaying ads or not - they call it TiKinet and you can even choose the ads they must display - one of their options is to link Dot TK members with one another. They also do not need a list of personal info like your home address, telephone number, company name etc.

Dot TK is 100% free and it gives you the option to up-grade to a paid domain name.
You can add as many domain names as you like as long as you get 25 hits in 90 days.

Last - if you contact them about any question you might have, be prepared to get very fast response - happened to me - their personal service is excellent!!

HOW TO GET FREE INTERNET

2008-02-17T02:38:00.000-08:00

What You Need: a laptop that is wi-fi enabled - the ability to pick up a wireless internet connection.

What To Do: visit a website that can give you information on where to find a local "wi-fi hotspot area" : if you live in SA where prices are still expensive for using the internet try this local hotspot-finder. Once you know where a hotspot is, go there switch on your laptop, connect to the internet and enjoy hours of free searching.

The Catch: most of these hot spots are at coffee shops, restaurants etc. - they want you to by a cup of coffee or a snack.

Conclusion: a cheap "price" to for free internet and you can even meet great people and friends.

No hotspot in your area? Do you just need to surf the web for info and do some "small" downloads like your e-mail or up-date a virus program or maintain your blog or website? Read this article.

ON THE BEAT

2008-02-17T02:35:00.000-08:00

During a routine check a policeman stops a woman and asks for her licence.

Policeman: "Your licence states that you should be wearing glasses."

Woman: "Sure, but I have contacts!"

Policeman: "Well, I don’t care whom you know - you should be wearing glasses when driving - I’m going to give you a ticket."

WINE CORKS 4 PREPARING A STEW

2008-02-17T02:31:00.000-08:00

Don`t through away your wine corks - red wine or white wine - they are perfect for preparing a yummy stew.

Toss in 3 to 4 wine corks when your stew start to simmer. The wine flavors in the corks will enhance the taste of your dish making it yummy.

Here`s the best part - the enzymes in the corks with help tenderise the meat faster, saving you time to prepare the dish and gives the meat a "melt-in-the-mouth" taste.

WARNING: Please do not serve the wine corks as part off your dish - remove it before serving.

HOW TO SAVE BURNT RICE

2008-02-17T02:30:00.001-08:00

Place the rice into a new pot and leave the burned bottom layer behind.

Pour in some water - not too much - just to cover the bottom. Cover the rice with union skins and put the lid on.

Heat it up for a few minutes and remove from the heat.

Let it stand for 15 to 20 minutes ; remove the union skins and serve.

NEW RECRUIT

2008-02-17T02:23:00.000-08:00

A recruit is under training at a Police Institution.

Instructor: "What will you do if you had to arrest your mother?"

Recruit: "I’ll call for backup!"

KKNK 2008

2008-02-17T01:50:00.000-08:00

It`s that time of the year again for one of the biggest art festivals in South Africa - the ABSA KKNK.
Held in a town called Oudtshoorn it is one of the events not to be missed on my calender.
Here`s a few photos of one of my previous visits. The program for KKNK 2008 is already available and it is set to be exiting.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN CLEANING PRODUCT THAT WORKS.

2008-02-14T01:14:00.000-08:00

WHAT YOU NEED:
# one teaspoon of Borax
# two tablespoons of white vinegar
# half a cup of warm water
# a quarter cup of liquid soap
# a small spray-bottle that can take at least a cup of liquid

WHAT TO DO:
# mix the Borax, vinegar, and water by tossing it into the spray-bottle until the Borax is dissolved
# add the soap and mix gently

Perfect to use outside at your "braai-area", kitchen and bathroom.

TYPING FASTER

2008-02-10T23:27:00.000-08:00

Do you want to learn how to type faster and save lots of time?
Do you want to learn how to type effectively?
Don’t have the money for an expensive course or program?

I’ve came across these links where you can find downloads to learn or better your typing and best of all it’s free and are really excellent.

TypingMaster Typing Test 6.3 – pleasant typing games ; evaluate your typing skills ; view your result history.

Bruce`s Unusual Typing Wizard 1.5 – gain speed and accuracy ; for beginners and experienced typists ; lets you practice unusual letter combinations with a game.

Stamina Typing Tutor 2.5 – learn to type without looking to the keyboard ; multifunctional touch-typing ; supports several layouts.

SNAP UP A BARGAIN WITH THIS HANDY LINK.

2008-02-06T21:56:00.000-08:00

These days there are hundreds of online stores and finding the best price for an item can be time consuming.
If you want to get a product from South African e-stores try PriceCheck. They automatically compare the price of any item available on SA`s on-line stores.
Thus if you want to save yourself a lot of “hunting-time” let PriceCheck do the price comparison for you.

THE COCA-COLA WAY ....

2008-02-06T00:23:00.000-08:00

Here are a few unusual uses for Coca-Cola.

# Stains on porcelain – soak the porcelain for +/- an hour in Coke to get rid of stains; pour 2 cups of Coke into your toilet; let it stand for an hour and flush away the stains.

# A bad hair job – if dying your hair a new colour went wrong rinse your hair with Diet Coke followed by clean water.

# Grouting – clean the grouting between your floor tiles by pouring some Coke onto it and let it stand for a few seconds.

# Burnt pans and pots – if your pots or pans are badly burned pour some Coke into it and boil it for a few minutes for an easy clean.

# Rust – rust on chrome bumpers of cars can be removed by rubbing it with a piece of foil dipped in Coke.

# Oil stains – pour some Coke onto the oil stains on your garage floor to get rid of it.# Hiccups – gargle a gulp of Coke for a few seconds to get rid of hiccups.

ESTATE PLANNING

2008-02-01T03:21:00.001-08:00

Got this e-mail from a friend.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in the near future, my sickly father
will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

The lesson??????
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

DID YOU KNOW …..

2008-01-31T23:48:00.000-08:00

# mageiricophobia = the fear for cooking.

# their is a difference between vegetarians and vegans – vegetarians eat eggs and milk products like cheese whereas vegans do not.

# the seeds of a chilli pepper is the hottest part# the knife used for chopping herbs is called a mezzaluna

# the tool used for chopping herbs is called a mezzaluna

SEVEN IMPORTANT WEDDING HINTS AND TIPS

2008-01-29T02:15:00.000-08:00

# choose your wedding date far in advance – the more time you have for the necessary arrangements the better.

# booking key role players like your suppliers, DJ, venue, caterers etc. well before time, as the good ones usually would not be available on short notice.

# the theme and décor should be easy – this is a mirror reflection of the wedding pair’s personal taste and style – thus stick to it.

# lightning is an important aspect that need not to be overlooked – it will ultimately be part of creating ambience to the party - elegant candles and lanterns can be one of your options.

# always choose a professional person(s) who will supply the music – do not try to go cheep on this one - this can either make or break a party – remember that the music should be your taste and style as well.

# do not try to go over board by quantity – quality will be more impressive to your quests than quantity.# ask the caterers to prepare a “take-away-snackbox” for when you leave – you would not believe how handy this will become within the next few hours after the party.

HOW TO PEEL GARLIC CLOVES WITH EASE.

2008-01-24T22:22:00.000-08:00

Peeling garlic cloves can be an unpleasant experience.
Try this advice. Cut off the root ends of the cloves. Put it in a bowl and cover with boiling water; leave to stand for about 5min. ; remove them one by one as you peel them – this time with a lot of ease.

A - ka	B - tu	C - mi	D - te	E - ku
F - lu	G - ji	H - ri	I - ki	J - zu
K - me	L - ta	M - rin	N - to	O -mo
P - no	Q - ke	R - shi	S - ari	T -chi
U - do	V - ru	W -mei	X - na	Y - fu
Z - zi